To me, kids are fascinating. Two humans create them. The woman develops them in her body then births them into this crazy, beautiful life. And poof you are a human raising tiny humans. Little ‘mini-mes’; each with their own unique qualities, personalities and quirks.
As cute and hilarious as watching kids figure out life can be, parenting is tough shit. Especially when our children’s personalities start to blossom.
My eldest is 8 going on 17. Yup, she is our independent, outspoken, strong willed, ‘could win an Emmy with the drama’ darling. I find people often saying to me, “When she’s older she will be a force to be reckoned with.” And they’re right, I have faith she will be one powerful woman when she grows up but how does that help me deal with the strong willed child now??
She can be the most loving child on the planet and then quite the handle within the same day. We have learned to deal with it as time went on and almost expect it, going with he motions. However difficult it has become to parent her as she is finding her “voice” and becoming more strong willed, I know if my husband and I take the time to understand her personality rather than “fight it”, the more peaceful life will become at home.
Parenting is a learning curve for both the kids and the parents. Parents are essentially life coaches. Kids learn by example. So as parents we can start at the place of making sure our actions line up with our words.
Peacefully Parenting a Strong Willed Child
As my husband and I are figuring out, strong willed children can be challenging and exhausting when they are young; but the same characteristics that make them harder to parent when they are young can be seen as more positive attributes as teens and young adults, if parented in a healthy manner.
Some things I have read that have helped my husband and I gain a deeper understanding of better parenting practices for my child’s strong-willed personality are:
- Kids that are strong-willed or difficult to raise, tend to be courageous, self-motivated, insatiably driven and impervious to peer pressure as adults.
- Strong-willed kids desperately want to be in charge or to be “right” about everything.
- They often become strong leaders as they mature.
- When they have their heart set on something, their brain has a hard time switching gears.
- They have BIG, PASSIONATE feelings. Let me say that again- BIG,PASSIONATE FEELINGS.
- Strong-willed kids hate to be told what to do, they like to feel independent.
- They are experiential learners (a.k.a they learn via experience). They are constantly “testing the limits” because that is how they learn.
If these characteristics sounds like a recipe for a power struggle with parents, it is. Trust me. I know. I have constantly been trying to learn how to handle it myself and dove into research in making her feel safe and loved. That is why I wanted to educate myself and write about ways help parents seeking to peacefully parent strong-willed children.
To avoid power struggles, parents of strong-willed children should:
- Learn to resist the impulse to “break their child’s will”; Instead, try to make a child feel “heard”, as you set limits or rules.
- Parents can make their child feel heard by empathizing, offering affirmation or giving choices, not orders.
- Respect goes both ways. Ensure your child knows he or she can trust you and that you have their best interests as a priority.
- Providing win-win solutions to disagreements rather than laying down the law keeps a strong-willed child from being explosive and teaches them to negotiate and compromise.
- Since a strong-willed child desires mastery more than anything. Let them “take charge” of as many activities as possible. The more independent they feel, the less they feel the need to be oppositional.
- Give them authority over their own body but teach them there is no shame in letting new information change their mind.
- Set routines and rules and be consistent in enforcing them. Doing so, creates a stable environment and helps a child feel more in control. You aren’t “bossing them around” because “it is just that way” in your home.
- Actively LISTEN. Calmly reflect a child’s words back to them and work together to understand what is making them oppose you. Try to see their viewpoint.
- The best form of discipline for strong-willed children is through relationship NOT punishment. There are consequences for their actions, make sure you are communicating these in a kind but authoritative manner. (*remember kids cooperate because they desire a warm relationship with their parents more than getting their way.)
My husband and I put into practice some of these parenting tactics for our strong-willed daughter and I am already seeing some breakthrough and feeling some relief. Of course we are not and never will be perfect parents. There will still be bumps in the parenting road, but a least now we feel more equipped to peacefully parent.
Try reminding yourself next time you get frustrated with your strong-willed child, to take a moment and remember to be an example for them. Anger gets you nowhere, it just fuels the fire.
And if all else fails, there is a thing called boarding school. (Jk. Kind of. haha) Godspeed.
Do you have a strong willed child? Let me know in a comment below!