How was your Mother’s Day? A simple question; but the answer may not be as simple.
Just like any holiday, a marked calendar day each year to celebrate with loved ones or those closest to us; we tend to assume Mother’s Day is full of warm fuzzies and nostalgic memories for everyone.
Holidays are intended to remind us of the simple joys in life and add to our “happy memories bank.”
However, the monotony of being quarantined has my mind overthinking and questioning the status quo more than usual, especially when it comes to my relationships and the real meaning of this chaotic life we all live.
How Was Your Mother’s Day
It was a lot easier pre-COVID-19 to let the busyness of life consume my days and to push aside the thoughts or things I rather not tackle to the side. But the “new normal” has luckily forced me to take a closer look at the “messiness” in my life and confront some issues I would rather avoid.
One goal during this quarantine time is to understand myself better in order to understand my relationship dynamics with others better. To accomplish this goal I am attempting to no longer just go through the motions but be present in the moments.
Mother’s Day, the thought of Mother’s Day, simply the words ‘Mother’s day’, give me a pit in my stomach. My stomach feels full of butterflies but not the good, fun kind of butterflies, rather the anxious, depressing kind that make me want to vomit and shut down.
I know it seems odd to have this sort of negative reaction surrounding such a sweet holiday, especially as I adore being a mother to my two precious girls. My reaction stems from my complicated, tumultuous relationship with my birth mother (who I currently don’t have a relationship with).
My childhood wasn’t “normal” and neither was my relationship with my mom. There is a lot a pain and heartache buried within my childhood when it comes to my birth mother. I have come to realize that hurt people, hurt people. Its a sad cycle. For some, it continues to cycle through the generational lineage, if not properly addressed and worked through in a healthy manner.
Mothers are humans. Humans are individually flawed; each carrying their own baggage and battling their own demons. That is just a fact. And I am no exception. So, mothers are humans, raising humans. See where I am going with this?! Its a deeply paradoxical relationship that continually evolves over a lifetime.
A child is an uniquely special gift, as well as a huge commitment that is overwhelming, exhausting and rewarding at the same time.
Raising a child is a privilege, denied to some, taken advantage of by others; not a good fit for some, abused by others. There is plenty of room for error and judgement but not a lot of room for grace.
What happens in our childhood sets the foundation for the rest of your life. Read that again…Our childhood and how we are raised determines a lot about the adult we will become down the road. Meaning there is tremendous pressure to take parenting and being a mother very serious. You must be ready to out yourself second. Unfortunately, a somber reality is a lot of us learn this truth a little too late.
In our culture, there are many types of mothers:
There are stepmothers, grandmas that became mothers, foster mothers, adoptive mothers, mentor-like-mothers, ‘fur-mothers’, lesbian couples of 2 mothers, couples of gay men who take on mother roles, single mothers who work so much to provide they don’t have the chance to be the mothers they desperately want to be, mothers who lost a child (in womb or later), infertile mothers, mothers taken too soon, birthmothers that are never known, mothers who choose to not be mothers, postpartum mothers, “helicopter mothers”, “tiger mothers”, teen mothers, elderly mothers…the list goes on.
You get the point. Mother is a broad term. There is no “perfect” mother. But there is a difference between a healthy mother and an unhealthy mother; that difference is in her commitment to being a loving involved mother.
All human relationships are complicated, complexed and not always easy. This is especially true when it comes to relationships with “mothers”. With such an expansive variety of mother types, comes an expansive variety of feelings surrounding Mother’s day.
Without going too in depth, I am simply writing this blog to challenge us all to ask people today “How was their Mother’s Day?”. BUT don’t take the surface level answer as truth. Be sensitive. Be inquisitive. Be kind. Really ask. Then really listen. Because Mother’s Day is a day to be grateful for the life your birth mother gave you and to celebrate the good with the bad that comes along with motherhood and the mother-child relationship- whatever the state of that relationship. There is growth and wisdom to be found in both the healthy and unhealthy mother relationships.
So, I really want to know…How was your Mother’s Day? Let me know in a comment below!